Resentment is information for you 😐
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#WednesdayWisdom
"Step into the identity that your inner-self tells you is too loud and too bold. The one you shy away from. Today: I am a powerhouse." — Duanecia Evans
Morning Musings
Nearly two months later, I'm still reeling from the opening retreat of Willie's Warriors, the leadership initiative for Black women in Chicago I'm so honored to be part of. During the retreat, one of the facilitators shared a quote from her therapist that has stuck with me ever since: "Resentment is information for you, it's a sign that you've said 'yes' when you should have said 'no.'"
Now, when I tell y'all I felt this quote in my soul. As a perpetual people-pleaser, I am constantly living in regret and resentment about commitments I said "yes" to out of habit before stopping to take stock of my physical and mental capacity to add more to my plate.
Sometimes this shows up as saying "yes" to attending an event when I really don't want to, or saying "yes" to an assignment knowing full well I don't have the bandwidth to do it justice. It also shows up as an overwhelming to help friends, colleagues, and sometimes strangers on the internet, often at my own detriment.
I don't really know *why* I am the way I am. I suspect it's a soul-crushing desire to be liked. I know it's not popular to admit, but ... I want people to like me. I care about what people think of me. And so I often go out of my way and bend over backward to remain in their good graces, to prove that I'm "worthy." And you want to know what else? It's fucking exhausting (pardon my French).
Just last week, I agreed to an assignment that I knew immediately I should have said "no" to. And, as a result, I spent the last few hours before I left for a road trip to Ohio stressing myself out trying to meet my deadline. I'd already had two other stories to write before then, plus last week's newsletter, and that's just the side stuff. My work to-do list is seemingly never ending. Then there was all the "life" stuff I was neglecting, too, like grocery shopping and laundry.
Adulting is hard and saying "no" (for someone like me) is even harder.
But then I come back to that quote about resentment and I've been taking note of that information, so that the next time I get a last-minute assignment, I say "no." The next time someone asks me to do a "small favor" that actually takes an hour out of my day, I say "no." The next time someone asks me to "pick my brain," I say "HELL NO!"
A helpful hack I've been practicing to help me set firmer boundaries is Tiffany Walker's "three-second yes test," in which she waits three full seconds before committing to an ask. Questions to ponder during those three seconds include:
Do I really have the time? (for me, this is often a hard no)
Is this worth a yes? (for that, I default to my Diddy yes test)
What does my gut say? (this is a big one ... the gut don't lie, y'all. Pay attention to those visceral reactions the next time an ask lands in your inbox, DMs, or whatever have you)
How do you practice setting boundaries? I'd love to know your hacks! Simply reply to this email and let me know.
Best,
L'Oreal
P.s. In an effort to better manage my time, I'm sunsetting one-on-one coaching sessions as of April 30 in favor of a more time-effective approach. Stay tuned for details!
P.p.s: Ya girl is coming up on spring break, so in an effort to fully unplug and unwind there will not be a newsletter next week. I'll see you back here on May 1!
ICYMI
When my Shine editor first asked me to write about Shane J. Lopez's book Making Hope Happen, the first thing that came to mind was the Dionne Farris lyric: "They say I'm hopeless/like a penny with a hole in it." After I took a trip down memory lane, I got to work putting the hope researcher's (yes, that's a real thing) theories into practice. Read my latest for Shine to learn four mantras to try the next time you feel hopeless.
Links I Love
My Latest Obsession
There are certain voices you recognize immediately upon hearing them -- Morgan Freeman, James Earl Jones and Jenifer Lewis. Lewis' memoir, The Mother of Black Hollywood, has been on my TBR (to be read) list for quite some time. But now that my book club friends Sierra and Heather have put me on to audiobooks, I decided to listen to Lewis tell her life story herself. And am I glad I did.
Something about Lewis and, in particular, her portrayal of Ruby Johnson on ABC's black-ish, reminds me of my late grandmother. Perhaps it's her vibrance, her zest for life, or -- if I'm being totally honest -- her ample bosom and hearty laugh.
I could listen to Lewis talk for days and enjoyed learning about life -- her storytelling (and vulnerability) is truly a gift and I simply did not want it to end.
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