Building a Community of Care

#WednesdayWisdom

"I read something once that said there’s a lot of loss in waiting for the perfect time for anything." ~ @ephrata

Morning Musings

Last week, I was down bad. Jeff was at an event, which meant I was solely responsible for feeding Violet dinner and getting her ready for bed. No big deal, right? Wrong. Despite my best efforts, homegirl was not feeling it, which is fair. Her dad usually takes care of the bedtime routine. But I felt like a failure. I'm her mom, I should be able to do this. Instead, Jeff came home to both me and Violet crying out of frustration and exhaustion.

In fact, I feel a lot of shoulds in my life and, as my mentor-in-my-head Elayne Fluker often says, I need to stop should'ing on myself. But it's easier said than done in a world that expects moms to be perfect in every way imaginable. A "good mom" feeds her family a well-balanced meal at all times. A "good mom" limits screentime and has an aesthetically-pleasing beige playroom full of Montessori-approved toys. A "good mom" puts her baby down awake and said baby sleeps from 8 p.m. to 8 a.m.

By these measures, I am not a good mom. And while intellectually I know these standards are impossible, I can't help but feel some shame when I don't reach them. I texted my friend Dore in a panic that night, "What if I'm not cut out for this mom life, Dor?"

To which she responded, "L'Or, it's too late now and SECOND OF ALL YES YOU ARE." Then she spent the next 30 minutes or so talking me off the proverbial ledge AND followed up with a phone call the next day to see how I was doing.

Every mom needs a mom friend who reminds them that this shit is hard. Like unbelievably so, especially when their kids are so little. There are so many moms, momfluencers and the like who make it look so easy. I'm not interested in that for a few reasons:

1. It's not true to me and my values.

2. I don't have the time or energy to pretend.

3. I believe we do each other a disservice when we don't keep it real.

There's already enough pressure out here on moms as it is...why make it harder on each other by pretending we have our shit together when we don't? Or maybe you do. In which case, don't talk to me. At least not right now. I don't want to hear about people thriving when I'm just trying to survive.

And shoutout to my friends without kids who have helped out, whether it's watching Violet while we go out for a night on the town or being an extra set of hands around the house so we can get things done. It means more than you'll ever know.

Showing up is like 70% of friendship, as far as I'm concerned. Which is why I love this newsletter from Anne Helen Petersen aptly titled How to Show Up For Your Friends Without Kids — and How to Show Up For Kids and Their Parents (aka How to Be in Community).

We could all use a little more community. How will you show up for yours today?

Love,
L'Oreal

P.S. This is the last newsletter of 2022! I'm going to take some time to rest, write and reimagine what this space will look like next year. If you have any ideas about what you'd like to see in 2023, hit reply and let me know! And if you want to keep in touch in the meantime, be sure to follow me on Instagram.

ICYMI

I recently deleted 1,321 unread emails for work and wrote about it. Check it out if you also suffer from email anxiety. A few other stories I've written:

• How to break up with your therapist, according to a therapist

• Eight simple ways to close a stress cycle

• Seven ways to "sleep train" your way to better rest

Links I Love

1. Solange Knowles (Apartmento)
2. With Namor, Wakanda Forever Does What Latine Media Will Not (Refinery 29)
3. Unsubscribing from motherhood scams with Raena Boston (In Pursuit of Clean Countertops)

Classifieds

Adorn, achieve, & affirm with journaling ✍🏾This year, give the 🎁 of self-care & wellness. Notedd’s brand new affirmation journals are blank slates to fill with whatever your heart desires. LT in the City subscribers receive an exclusive 25% off discount on all journals! Use code LTITC25.

My Latest Obsession

Listen, y'all...I am good at many things. Baking is not one of them. So I outsourced our Thanksgiving pies to my friend Kari of Bakes by Kari. To the left we have sweet potato (the closest I've found to how my mom makes it) and to the right we have the most beautiful apple pie I've ever seen. Follow her now so you, too, can get in on this deliciousness. Also, while you're at it, follow her husband John, aka Planks and Pistils, for the most gorgeous floral arrangements this side of the Mississippi. And also, support #BlackLove and #BlackOwnedBusinesses.

Now Hiring

1. Development Director for International Women's Media Foundation

2. Director of Data Strategy for Basta

3. Senior Editor for The Marshall Project

4. Audience Development Manager, Social Video for Wirecutter

5. Director of National Media for The National Partnership for Women & Families

6. Chief External Engagement Officer for Room to Grow

7. Senior Reporter at Injustice Watch

8. Mental Health Specialist for YouTube

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Special thank you to Flow for buying last week's coffee.

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