you don't have to be a *perfect* mom to be a good mom
and other reflections from two years of motherhood
#WednesdayWisdom
“Remember: You need you, too. Practice prioritizing yourself like you do everybody else.” ~ alex elle
Morning Musings
This past weekend we celebrated Violet’s second birthday and I celebrated two years of motherhood! The last two years have a rollercoaster ride to say the least and if you’ve been following along since then (or even beforehand with our infertility journey), then you know what I mean.
There were two moves, new jobs, postpartum depression and many, many milestones (first smile, first words, first time walking!). It’s certainly been a whirlwind. And although I don’t consider myself a parenting expert by any stretch of the imagination, I can say this for sure: you don’t have to be a perfect mom in order to be a good mom.
If you’ve read my book Stop Waiting for Perfect, then you’ll know I’ve spent much of my life trying to perfect in every aspect: perfect daughter, perfect sister, perfect student, perfect friend, perfect wife, perfect employee, and then, of course, the perfect mom.
In one of the later chapters, I write about a meltdown I had one evening while trying to get Violet ready for bed. Jeff typically handles bedtime, but he was at a networking event. Surely I could put my own daughter to sleep, I thought. But Morgan Freeman narrating my life said, “She would soon learn that she could not put her to sleep.”
No matter how hard I tried, she kept getting up and Jeff came home to find both me and the baby crying. I felt like a failure. I felt like a Bad Mom. Good Moms know how to put their babies to sleep, I reasoned. Good Moms know exactly what to do at any given time.
Despite Jeff repeatedly assuring me that I am, in fact, a Good Mom, the shame spiral kept me up at night and led me to searching Therapy for Black Girls at 2 a.m. for a Black woman therapist who specialized in infertility and PPD. Silly me, I thought I should be “over” postpartum depression a year after Violet was born. But that’s not how depression works. Depression doesn’t have an expiration date and also, postpartum is forever.
I’d been in therapy since 2016, but in this current season of my life, I knew I needed something different. I needed somebody different. And thankfully, I was able to find someone who fit the bill and was in network. Praise God!
We recently passed the one-year anniversary of me starting to work with my new therapist and I can 100% attest that I am a better mom—and hopefully a better person all around—because of the hard work we’re doing together to unlearn perfection, disrupt the cycle of generational trauma, and forge a new way forward.
Parenting and perfection do not go together. They don’t even belong in the same sentence. And while I’ll never be a Perfect Mom, I can confidently say two years into this that I am a Good Mom. And that’s good enough for me.
ICMYI
I got to be a guest on Adult ISH again with my friends at YR Media, an incredible media nonprofit for young journalists and artists. Check out our conversation here on what happens to dreams deferred.
Stop Waiting for Perfect was also included in this roundup of books to gift your corporate clients. Get a head start on your holiday shopping by gifting a copy for your favorite recovering perfectionist here.
🎉 Party with a Purpose 🎉
Oct. 18 (TONIGHT): Chicago Reader UnGala. I love a party with a cause and this annual benefit certainly fits the bill. Come out to support local media and enjoy some of the city’s best art and entertainment as well. Save $5 on your ticket with the code MYREADERGUEST.
Links I Love
Explanations Are Not Excuses (Intelligencer)
How Ziwe Got Tender on Her Own Terms in Her First Book (Rolling Stone)
37 Genius Mental Health Day Ideas You’ll Want to Steal Immediately (Wondermind)
Now Hiring
Senior Copy Editor for 538
Managing Editor for The TRiiBE
Narrative Director for Hinge
Director of Communications for Mothers Out Front
Content Manager, Communications for the MacArthur Foundation
Director of Finance for the Chicago Foundation for Women
Stop Waiting for Perfect is Out Now!
Thank You
A special thank-you to April, Cait, Amanda, Harleen, Megan, Najja, Jessica, Priti, Cat, Jenna, Mallory, Rachel, Angel, Sarah, Camesha, Vix, Anna, Stephanie, Dominique, Tiffany, Emily, Mabinty, Lindsey, Casey, Lynnae, Dani, Amanda and Raina for becoming paid subscribers and helping to fuel this newsletter. I truly appreciate your support!
Ohhh I deeply needed to read this today. Thank you!