a medical diagnosis (at least) three years in the making

because sometimes having a uterus sucks

Editor’s Note

This week’s newsletter is a little different from my usual musings on perfectionism, productivity, and the occasional pop culture reference. Today, I’m inviting you deeper into my world—specifically, the messy, unpredictable, and wildly expensive world of infertility.

As you may know, our journey to Baby Payton #2 hasn’t been linear (because, of course, it wouldn’t be). And lately, this road has been filled with more twists, turns, and WTF moments than I ever anticipated. I’m sharing the latest chapter of our IVF journey in this week’s essay, but because of how deeply personal (and, honestly, exhausting) this process has been, I’m reserving the full essay for paid subscribers.

Paid subscriptions allow me to continue writing pieces like this—ones that take time, energy, and a whole lot of emotional labor. Your support means I can keep showing up in your inbox, sharing my story, and building this beautiful little corner of the internet where we can have real, raw and honest conversations. So if you’ve been thinking about becoming a paid subscriber, now’s a great time to do so.

If not, no worries. We’ll return to our regularly scheduled programming next week, but for now, I appreciate you being here. Truly.

xo,
L’Oreal

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Morning Musings

Photo credit: Menshalena via iStock

In the opening line to her 1981 hit song, “Silly,” Deniece Williams sings, “Silly of me to think that I could ever have you for my guy.” I can relate. But instead of romantic pursuits, my version would go something like this: “Silly of me to think that I would have IVF success on the first try after giving birth three years ago.”

I’ve been in this infertility game long enough now to know that IVF doesn’t guarantee success (although it would’ve been helpful if someone had explained that to me years ago when we first started on this journey). In fact, it took us two egg retrievals, three frozen embryo transfers and one canceled transfer to even have Violet in the first place. So yea, if at first you don’t succeed, dust yourself off and try again is both a motto and a lifestyle when it comes to IVF, or any kind of assisted reproductive technology really.

And yet, I was optimistic. And yet, I thought this time would be different. I hoped—no, prayed—for the best and yet, I was disappointed once again. I thought, naively, that we had paid our dues. I thought, perhaps smugly, that if we followed the same protocol that led to Violet, then surely it would work this time around. But I was wrong, so very wrong.

Unlike the previous transfers, I didn’t hold out for the entire Two Week Wait and, instead, I took several at-home pregnancy tests leading up to Beta Day, the day wherein I would get my blood drawn and the medical team would look at my HCG levels to determine if I was pregnant. Each test was negative…why would the beta test be any different? And yet, I believe in miracles, so I thought maybe, just maybe…

A tale of two tests

Alas, when the lab results showed up in my portal I was not shocked. Disappointed? Hell yea. But this was always a possibility. And we have one more viable embryo left, so not all is lost.

So… What Now?

When Jeff and I got on the phone with our reproductive endocrinologist the next day to debrief and go over next steps, we essentially had two choices:

1. Go back to the drawing board and do another egg retrieval in hopes of creating more viable embryos, just in case this next transfer doesn’t work

2. Prepare for a mock cycle wherein you prep the body for a transfer, but instead of transferring an embryo, the doctor goes in, performs a biopsy of your uterine lining and sends the tissue sample off for various testing including, but not limited to the Emma (Endometrial Microbiome Metagenomic Analysis) and Alice (Analysis of Infectious Chronic Endometritis) tests, which check for bacteria in the uterine cavity; the Receptiva test, which measures BCL6 proteins in the uterine lining, or endometrium, and is used to diagnosis endometriosis, endometritis and progesterone resistance.

At the onset of restarting IVF for Baby #2, I was adamant about not doing another egg retrieval because it was my least favorite part of the whole process. To give you some perspective, your ovaries are about the size of your thumb and when you’re pumping yourself full of hormones to harvest as many eggs as possible (with the realization that not all eggs will become fertilized, become blastocysts and develop into embryos), your ovaries become the size of grapefruit. Uncomfortable is putting it lightly.

So, we opted for the mock cycle. This time I didn’t have to take all the medication I was on before, just the daily progesterone in oil (those dreaded shots in the hip/upper buttocks). And then it was go time.