I didn't make it to the top
A lesson in honoring our bodies and boundaries
#WednesdayWisdom
“when life starts to look like what you wanted, don’t spend your time questioning if it’s real or if it’ll last, enjoy it. there’s so much you’re able to tap into when you enjoy it.” ~ deun ivory
Morning Musings
Toward the end of last year, my family took a trip to Honolulu. I’d been a few times before and during our last visit in 2014, I breezily climbed my way to the top of Diamond Head–Oahu’s iconic volcanic cone. The nearly two-mile round trip hiking trail is scenic to say the least, with picturesque views of the island’s infamous Waikiki Beach. As such, I was determined to hike the trail again—this time with my husband and 1-year-old daughter in tow.
I found a relatively inexpensive carrier (we’re not really about that hiking life IRL so I didn’t want to splurge on a fancy one), strapped her to my back and away we went! Spoiler: we did not make it to the top.
Right around the next-to-last summit, in a surprising deviation from my normal “I can do anything I set my mind to” character, I set my mind to turn right back around and sit my ass down. I was exhausted. I couldn’t do it. I needed a break.
When we descended to where the rest of my family was waiting, my sister asked if I needed her to take Violet. I couldn’t even fix my lips to say yes, I just nodded emphatically and there was Auntie April to the rescue.
Once I was able to catch my breath, cool down and drink some water, I explained to Violet, “We didn’t make it to the top this time, but that’s okay. It’s more important that you listen to your body and take a break.”
My instinct when confronted with a challenge is to push through. That is, after all, what Black women do best. But I’m determined to forge a different path and show Violet a different way—a softer way—of being.
When I find myself in these difficult circumstances, my therapist encourages me to think about how I’d want Violet to handle a situation and to go do that. In that moment, I’d want her to listen to her body, honor its cues and rest. The point being if I want Violet to do that, then I need to do it myself. I need to be the change I want to see in the world. I need to lead by example.
It’s not easy. My default is still to “push through.” But in those moments I try to remind myself that phrase is often my body’s signal that I need to press pause.
Barring a natural disaster, Diamond Head will still be there whenever we return. After all, it’s been there for about 300,000 years already. And maybe then I won’t have a 20-pound toddler strapped to my back.
I was also hesitant to share this picture because of my back rolls, but then I stopped to think about it from Violet’s perspective. She doesn’t care that there’s a bit of fat poking out between my sports bra and leggings. She’s just happy to be carried. I also tried to look at the picture from a different angle—from what my body was doing (carrying my child down a volcano) and what it had done (birth said child roughly one year ago).
This body is not the same body that made it to the top all those years ago. This body is different. Softer in some areas, stronger in others. Beautiful nonetheless. I may not have made it to the top, but I did discover a newfound respect and appreciation for this postpartum body and how it shows up in the world—and how I show up for my daughter.
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ICMYI
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Links I Love
What We Never Say About Parenting (The Cut)
A Community-led Renaissance is Brewing at Black-owned Coffee Shops (Los Angeles Times)
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Deep in the lessons of learning to honour my body (and mind's) boundaries and requests to rest and I love how you were able to frame this as a way to show your daughter a 'softer' way of being that so many of us have been denied, especially as Black women. Being strong isn't always about carrying the weight, sometimes it's about knowing when to set it down.xx
This story is beautiful. I really like how instead of pushing yourself to go father up the volcano, you instead listened to your body and rested. It is so nice to see someone promoting listening to what your body is telling you, instead of "Do more, go Faster" mentality. Thank you for writing this. We all need this reminder. :)