the email I was too ashamed to send last week

aka that time I got COVID

#WednesdayWisdom

“When we’re going through transformation, it can seem like things fall apart. Remember that you haven’t met this version of yourself yet. Trust that this path will lead you to exactly where you need to be.” ~ @sa.liine

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Morning Musings

Yep, no mistaking these are positive af.

After three years, Miss Rona finally came for me and Jeff earlier this month (Violet, thankfully, was unscathed). We had a long streak—almost three years since the COVID-19 pandemic shut the world down back in March 2020.

I tested positive for the first time ever the night before I was supposed to fly out for my friend’s bridal shower. I hadn’t been feeling well the last couple of days, but assumed it was the daycare virus du jour and was nursing it as such with a heavy rotation of vitamin C, elderberry, hot tea with honey and cough drops. But the chills I felt Thursday evening and the brain fog I experienced on Friday led me to test.

I was nursing Violet when Jeff told me the test came back positive. In denial, I took another one right away—this one turning positive even faster than the first one. There was no way around it. COVID was here.

I canceled the flight, contacted everyone I’d had close contact with that week and immediately racked my brain trying to think of where I could have possibly caught it. Was it the birthday party we went to on Saturday? Was it the Galentine’s event I went to on Sunday? Was it the dermatologist’s office on Tuesday?

“Does it matter?” my therapist interrupted my train of thought during the emergency session I’d called because of the immense guilt and shame I’d felt about contracting COVID. “You still had to cancel the flight and miss your friend’s shower and time with your family, so does it ultimately matter where you caught it if the outcome was the same?”

“Yes,” I answered matter-of-factly. Logically, I knew it didn’t actually matter. But somehow, in my head, there was a difference. There were more “noble” ways of catching COVID, I’d reasoned. And an overcroweded Galentine’s Day event wasn’t one of them.

When I felt the same shame spiral coming on, I knew I needed to meet with my therapist before our next regularly scheduled session and thankfully she was able to accommodate me and talk me off the ledge. I was feeling some of the same emotions I’d experienced when I’d lost my 600+ day Peloton streak shortly after Violet was born in the fall of 2021.

Much like my beloved Peloton streak, my COVID streak had come to an unceremonious end and I was deep in my feels about it. Intellectually I know testing positive for COVID isn’t a barometer for your moral standing, but I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t proud of myself for being an outlier for so long.

I definitely consider myself COVID-conscious. While I frequent coffee shops and restaurants, I’m otherwise masked—at church, on flights, while browsing Target. It’s not that I considered myself invincible, but rather I believed if I was careful, if I wore my mask, I would be safe. And yet, it still happened (but, thanks to science, vaccines, and boosters we definitely got off pretty easy).

Still, I couldn’t help feeling guilty, as if I was wearing a scarlet letter C for COVID. I shouldn’t have gone to that event, I thought. But who’s to say it didn’t come from somewhere else altogether? After all, daycare is notorious for presenting new germs every other day. Jeff is also in the office three days a week.

“It could’ve come from anywhere and you can’t control everything,” my therapist told me. Instead, she encouraged me to practice radical acceptance, a skill that is designed to keep pain from turning into suffering.

Shit happens. And oftentimes, you can’t do anything about it. You can take all the precautions in the world and still end up with COVID (and this is not to say you shouldn’t take said precautions!). What I’m trying to say is you can follow all the rules, you can do everything “right,” and sometimes there will still be undesirable outcomes that are out of your control.

Because, as my therapist so eloquently reminded me last Tuesday afternoon, you can’t control everything. No matter how hard you try. I’ve since tested negative (woohoo!), but I imagine this lesson will stick with me for a long time to come.

As a recovering perfectionist, relinquishing control certainly does not come easily and I still have a long way to go toward radical acceptance, but this quote from a Verywell Mind article on the topic is resonating with me:

“Radical acceptance does not mean that you agree with what is happening or what has happened to you. Rather, it signals a chance for hope because you are accepting things as they are and not fighting against reality.”

That same article shared a few coping statements I’ve found helpful as well:

• I can’t change the things that have happened in the past.

• I can get through difficult emotions even if it is hard.

• It’s possible for me to feel anxiety but still manage this situation in an effective way.

I’m also revisiting Dr. Kristin Neff’s self-compassion guided meditations and exercises. Perhaps these tools will be helpful to you, too. And, if you’re feeling brave, I’d love to learn how you manage guilt and shame in the comments. After all, sharing is caring!

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Upcoming Events

• (NEW DATE) March 18: Because of COVID, I had to reschedule the original date for my Galentine’s Day Pole Party at Fly Club in Chicago. But there are still a few tickets left if you’d like to join us! (FYI: Paid subscribers receive a discount on ticketed events. You can upgrade your subscription here).

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ICMYI

Lately I’ve been trying to embrace unproductivity (as much as one can with a toddler and a book coming out), but basically hustle culture needs to die. Read more in my latest for Fortune.

And, if you missed my LinkedIn Live convo with author Oludara Adeeyo about what the #SoftLife means for Black women, you can catch the recording here.

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Links I Love

1. 8 ways to embrace slow living (Human Over Perfect)

2. The Soft Life Isn't Just About Enjoying Nice Things (Bustle)

3. Apply to a Job, Even If You Don’t Meet All Criteria (Harvard Business Review)

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Now Hiring

1. News Editor for The Chicago Reader

2. Director of Development for Book Trust

3. Writer, Race & Equality for CNN

4. Editor for Tech Brew

5. Regional Program Director (Memphis) for The Center for Black Educator Development

6. Director of Advocacy for The Diversity in Leadership Institute

7. Communications Director for The Abolitionist Law Center

8. Director of Marketing and Communications for The Colorado Academy

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Preorder Stop Waiting for Perfect

My first book, Stop Waiting for Perfect, drops this summer! This book will force you to stop playing small and encourage you to fully step into your power and walk in your purpose. It will awaken the dreams you buried deep within your soul long ago because you thought they were impossible, unattainable—available to other people, but not you. Until now.

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Thank You

A special thank-you to Cait, Amanda, Harleen, Megan, Najja, Jessica, Priti, Cat, Jenna, Mallory and Rachel for becoming paid subscribers and helping to fuel this newsletter. I truly appreciate your support!

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