the *real* reason I decided to breastfeed for two years
it's Black Breastfeeding Week, y'all!
#WednesdayWisdom
“One day, you’ll tell the story of this season…not as someone who had everything figured out, but as someone who learned to live courageously right here.” ~ Morgan Harper Nichols
Morning Musings
Before giving birth, I knew that I wanted to breastfeed. In my mind, it was the least my body could do after having seemingly failed me at every turn from fibroids to infertility. This was my chance to get it right—for my body to finally perform the way it was “supposed” to and I’d be damned if I let anything get in my way.
But, alas, the universe had other plans. Violet was whisked away to the NICU shortly after she was born and Jeff went with her while I was wheeled to a recovery room where my sister and postpartum doula tended to me.
Jeff and I’d done a couple of hands-on tutorials with our doula and a little crochet stuffie shaped like a boob, but as it turned out that wouldn’t be the way I first fed our daughter. Instead, our doula carefully instructed me on how to squeeze the highly-coveted colostrum out of my nipple into tiny yellow syringes that would be sent down to the NICU for Violet.
But I was skeptical—anxious, even—that it would be enough. Self-doubt was already filling my head and I was convinced that I wasn’t producing enough of the “liquid gold” to sufficiently feed my child and the nurses would have to use formula against my wishes.
I mean, that was the goal, right? Every mommy blog I’d read insisted “fed was best,” but the underlying sentiment was that “breast was best,” and ever the perfectionist, that’s what I strived for.
We continued with collecting the colostrum in the syringes until I was finally able to visit Violet in the NICU hours after she was born. Our initial attempt at breastfeeding was a bit rocky, to say the least. I attempted the traditional football hold (aka the position you most commonly see parents nursing their babies), but we couldn’t quite figure it out. V had a hard time latching and I didn’t know what the heck I was doing. Frustrated, we went back to the syringes and I’m 95% sure we even had to borrow some from generous donors. Thank God for them.
The first lactation nurse we met with after V was released from the NICU wasn’t successful either, but the second one who visited us was truly a godsend. Not only did she introduce us to the koala hold (wherein the baby is straddling your thigh and essentially mouth-level with the nipple), which was a success. But she also taught me how to correctly use my fancy-schmancy wearable pump. I will forever be grateful for her patience and tutelage.
Once home, however, the struggles picked up again. I didn’t have mastitis, but I did get pretty swollen in the chest area as my milk came in (which resulted in me chilling around the house with cold Coca-Cola cans under my armpits in addition to the compression socks I was wearing—real sexy stuff there).
Jeff and I also noticed Violet was favoring one breast, which is apparently normal, but made for frustrating feeding sessions when all you hear is you’re supposed to alternate sides with every feeding. There’s that word again—supposed.
There’s a lot of “shoulds” and “supposed to’s” when it comes to conceiving, pregnancy, childbirth, postpartum, breastfeeding, napping, child-wearing and overall child-wearing. New moms are instructed not to give their baby a bottle if they want to be successful at nursing. Just google “nipple confusion” to see what I mean.
As an anxious person turned anxious mom, I took all of these “shoulds” and “supposed to’s” to heart. I remember one late night (or early morning, who’s to say exactly?) when Jeff was practically pleading with me to let him give Violet a bottle. I’d been pumping to build up a freezer stash (another “supposed to”), but I was fearful that if she had a bottle, she would reject me and our breastfeeding journey would be over shortly after it began.
If “breast was best,” then I had to provide my baby the best at all times and by any means necessary, even at the detriment at my own mental health and well-being, or so I thought.
My initial goal was to exclusively breastfeed for six months, per the American Academy of Pediatrics’ recommendation—at least that’s what I told people. Secretly, I knew I wanted to do it for a year given all of the benefits breastmilk has for babies. But when the AAP changed its guidance from the recommended one year of breastfeeding to two in the summer of 2022, I settled in for the long haul.
When Violet started daycare at six months, I was proud of the freezer stash I’d accumulated in preparation for this transition. For months, I’d do triple feedings, which involved pumping while nursing and then supplementing the feeding with a bottle. I used the Haaka. At one point, I had about three different pumps. I was a milk-making machine.
But the pride was short-lived when we ran out of the freezer stash a few weeks into daycare. One fateful Tuesday afternoon, I’d completed three 30-minute pumping sessions and only produced four ounces of milk. We were sending Violet to daycare with three 4-ounce bottles per day, and I naively thought I could pump the equivalent of what she was consuming. Spoiler alert: I was wrong.
"I can set an alarm to pump every two hours overnight," I told Jeff frantically. "I can power pump the next day and run the additional bottles to the school."
"Stop," he said lovingly, while holding both of my shoulders and looking me in my eyes. "You've done enough."
And he was right. A loving mom friend of mine (hi,
!) had once suggested combo feeding (a mix of breastfeeding and using formula). I’d initially protested, but eventually saw the light. I didn't realize it at the time, but I always felt anxiety around breastfeeding: Is my daughter getting enough milk? Am I producing enough? I was beginning to measure my self-worth in ounces.
I rushed out to the nearest pharmacy that carried Bobbie, an organic formula I said I would use if it ever came to it, and that was that. As it turns out, Violet was dropping a feeding (thus, the drop in my supply) and we never got around to using that can of formula (V was also apparently a bougie baby who preferred the real thing over formula and rejected the formula bottles).
I should’ve started weaning then, but once again my pride was getting in the way and also fear. Given our arduous journey to getting pregnant in the first place, my anxiety convinced me we may not be able to conceive again. In which case, this would be my first and last chance at breastfeeding. And even if we were blessed to have another child, there was no guarantee our feeding journey would be the same, so I wanted to hold onto this as long as I could.
I felt a lot of dread around what our last feeding session might look like—mostly because other mom accounts pointed out that you often don’t realize when something is the “last” time in parenting. The last time you nurse. The last time your kid mispronounces a word. The last time they want to be picked up. And so forth and so on.
But by the time December 2023 rolled around—26 months after Violet was born—we were both done. I’m both grateful for the opportunity and unsure if I’ll be that stubborn next time around.
Fed truly is best—for the baby and for the mom. Because if something is costing you your mental health, then my friend, it’s not worth it (no matter what hardcore “lactivists” tout on social media). There is no one right way to feed your baby, just like there's no one right way to parent. And in case no one’s told you today, you’re doing a great job, mama. 💜
ICYMI
In my first for Crain’s Chicago, I talked to the Chicago journalists on a mission to reshape the narrative around this great city. Learn more here.
In my latest for Design Observer, I interviewed Tansy McNulty, founder of the public safety and mental health nonprofit 1 Million Madly Motivated Moms (1M4). We talked about Sonya Massey, prevention-focused strategies to end police violence. and equipping Black moms with the tools they need to care for themselves, their families, and their communities.
Last Chance: Nonfiction Book Proposal Course
Do you dream of writing your own book, but you’re not sure where to begin? Next month I’m hosting a live four-week online course to teach you the ins and outs of writing a nonfiction book proposal. We’ll cover everything from clarifying your concept to building your author platform and more! Use the promo code PROPOSAL to save $50 on registration. Will I see you there?
Stop Waiting for Perfect Bookaversary Giveaway!
To celebrate one year of Stop Waiting for Perfect, I’m hosting a giveaway! Enter to win a signed copy and some SWFP swag. All you have to do is write a review for the book and share it here. I’ll choose a winner at the end of the month!
Where You Can Find Me
Aug. 29: Author talk and book signing at Call & Response. I’m excited to continue the one-year bookaversary celebration of Stop Waiting for Perfect at one of my new favorite bookstores and my bestie, Pam R. Johnson Davis. Come join us!
Sept. 8: End of Summer Book Bash. One of my other fave bookstores, Three Avenues Bookshop, is hosting a mini literary festival next month and I’m thrilled to be one of the authors on site signing books and having an overall good time. It’s going to be LIT-erary (see what I did there?)!
Sept. 14: Yoga for Fertility Community Class at Pulling Down the Moon. Practice a sequence of poses that are supportive of your fertility journey and safe during any part of the fertility cycle, including during IUI/IVF cycles. All levels are welcome. Wear comfortable clothing, bring your mat, and come ready to breathe, stretch and relax!
What I’m Reading
‘Soulful Vanilla Child’: When Pink Was Black (Jezebel): This is an oldie but goodie. Every now and then the “Black P!nk” nostalgia resurfaces on Black Twitter and, even though I now know this wasn’t the true Pink, I have to say her debut album is still my favorite of hers.
A Quick ‘Fart Walk’ Might Be Just What You Need to End Your Day (SELF): Now hear me out, points were made! 💁🏾♀️
Introducing SirDavis, Beyoncé's Debut Into the World of Whisky (Harper’s Bazaar): Am I going to drink this just because it has Bey’s name on it? You bet your bottom dollar (but it legit sounds like it tastes good, too!
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Bookaversary Sale on Merch!
The celebration continues! Use the promo code PERFECT to save 15% on your order now until Aug. 31. There are new colors and youth sizes are now available!
Thank You
A special thank-you to April, Jeff, Carol, Cait, Amanda, Harleen, Megan, Najja, Jessica, Priti, Cat, Jenna, Mallory, Rachel, Angel, Sarah, Camesha, Vix, Anna, Stephanie, Dominique, Tiffany, Emily, Mabinty, Lindsey, Casey, Lynnae, Dani, Amanda, Raina, Abigail, Sharon, Kristen, Heather, Renae, Jennie, Brittaney, Kyndall, Sarah, Cecilia, Jessica, Kimberly, Jessica, Ean, Lauren, Brittani and Jenni for becoming paid subscribers and helping to fuel this newsletter. I truly appreciate your support! 💜
Amen to all of that. Thank you for sharing pieces of your breastfeeding journey with us because it is not nearly as easy/tidy as they make it seem. It's so emotional to continue to need your body to sustain your little human, and just as emotional to "let go" of that option too. Glad there are multiple ways to feed the babes but man, it's hard no matter what! <3
Wow! Breastfeeding for 2 years is an incredible accomplishment! Thank you for sharing your story with us.