Welcome to Werking Mom, my monthly column for paid subscribers! This space will explore the reality of juggling personal well-being, professional pursuits and raising a tiny human in today’s frantic world. Issues will be delivered every fourth Sunday of the month. Thank you for being here and I hope you enjoy this month’s column (even though it’s a little bit late)!
Four years ago, when Jeff and I were in the midst of IVF treatments and had just endured a failed embryo transfer a couple of months prior, I tried to preemptively plan for Mother’s Day. Spoiler alert: I failed. Miserably.
Ever the go-getter and overachiever, I’d registered for Broken Brown Egg’s virtual brunch held the Saturday before Mother’s Day. My thinking was if I planned for grief, then I’d be able to better manage it. The brunch was good, we laughed, we shared and I (naively) thought I was in the clear.
Until the next day when I was absentmindedly scrolling Instagram and saw a coworker announce her pregnancy. I nearly threw my phone on the counter out of anger and jealousy, but also grief. If our first IVF cycle had gone well earlier that year, I would’ve been making an announcement of my own. But it didn’t, so I wasn’t.
Here’s the thing: you cannot plan for grief and it cannot be contained. You can certainly prepare for it—in anticipation of important milestones, such as birthdays and anniversaries; however, you cannot put “grief time” on your calendar and expect your emotions to cooperate. In my experience, they never do. Instead, grief strikes when you least expect it. Like when you’re riding your Peloton while pregnant and “I’ll Be Missing You” starts playing and you realize your grandparents—all of whom are deceased—will never meet your future child and you start sobbing.
Or when you’re in the garage getting some macaroni and cheese, look up and see your father-in-law’s car and break down crying because you won’t get to see him again in this world and you’ve been trying to be strong for everybody else, but your aunt pulls you close and holds you while you cry it out.
To paraphrase country legend Linda Martell on Beyoncé’s latest album, Cowboy Carter, grief is a funny little concept, isn’t it?”
If this upcoming Mother’s Day is proving to be difficult for you for whatever reason—infertility, loss of a child, loss of a mother, or mother-like figure, a complicated or estranged relationship with your living mother—I’m sending you nothing but love and I encourage you to take your time. Listen to your heart and honor what it needs.
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