nevermind, I don't want to be skinny *that* bad
learning to accept and appreciate my body at every size
Wednesday Wisdom
“You’re not being denied access to the life you want. You’re being prepared for deeper alignment and more clarity. Stay patient.” ~ Alex Elle
Morning Musings
Content Warning: This week’s issue discusses topics related to weight loss, weight gain, body image, and medications. Please take care while reading.
Editor’s Note:
When it comes to conversations about weight, body image, and health, the feelings and experiences we carry are as vast and varied as we are. For some, these topics are tied to frustration or shame; for others, they’re wrapped in hope or even healing. Wherever you are on that spectrum—or if you’d rather opt out of the conversation entirely—know that your feelings are valid, your boundaries are respected, and your experience matters.
In this week’s issue, I’m diving into the nuanced, and often deeply personal, realities of weight loss, weight gain, and the role medications can play. It’s a topic that comes with layers of complexity: the societal pressures to conform to certain body ideals, the ways our health intersects with our identities, and the pursuit of balance between self-care and self-compassion. My intention here is not to tell you what’s “right” or “wrong,” but to hold space and share more openly about the gray areas where most of us live.
As someone who has navigated her own journey with body image and health my entire life but especially since becoming a mom, I understand that these conversations can be fraught. I often wondered deep in the throes of postpartum why I couldn’t get back to how I looked (and felt!) in the picture on the left. Well, that picture was taken in 2013 when I still had the metabolism and optimism (not to mention the free time!) of a bright-eyed and bushy-tailed 25-year-old.
You could say I was at peak fitness having not too long ago graduating from college where I did cheerleading and dance. In this picture, I am competing in a regional pole fitness competition where I was unanimously voted Miss Congeniality. Ya girl was FIT (and fun and friendly to boot!).
Fast forward nine years to the picture on the right. I was roughly six months postpartum after nine months of pregnancy and navigating an arduous two years of IVF treatments that took a toll on my body, not to mention the three years of grueling fibroids I dealt with before that (when my doctor casually mentioned my uterus was the size of a four-month pregnant person even though I wasn’t pregnant).
With all of that, in addition to breastfeeding for two years straight, it’s no wonder my body is like whoa, pump the breaks, we’re just trying to adjust. But I didn’t listen…I hired a trainer, I worked with a nutritionist and I even (gasp!) succumbed to taking “weight management medication” after a new doctor told me in no uncertain terms that my weight was a “problem” for her and that if I wanted to increase my infertility, I should lose weight. Da f*ck?! Now mind you, my infertility is directly related to blocked Fallopian tubes from scar tissue to remove nearly 20 fibroids back in 2017, but go off, sis. (And yes, I am looking for a new doctor if anyone has recs in the Evanston area!)
Nevertheless, I still said yes to the meds (wellbutrin and metformin, to be exact) and noticed some weight loss, although the most noticeable change was my suppressed appetite and intolerance for my once-fave Honey Chipotle Chicken Crispers from Chili’s. In my mind, the medication could be the extra tool in the toolkit I needed to take my physical health to the next level in the same way Zoloft—when combined with therapy, yoga and meditation, etc.—drastically improved my physical health.
I was also wondering if taking medication to lose weight somehow made me less of a feminist. Was I being a hypocrite? A traitor to the body-positive-turned-body-neutral movement?
So when I went back six months later for my follow-up and my doctor said she wanted to get more aggressive with treatment and introduce a medication that would make me nauseous? That’s where I drew the line. I didn’t want to be skinny so badly that it’d make me sick. Shit, I don’t even know if I want to be “thin” anymore at all. My body seems to like hovering around 200 pounds, racist BMI be damned.
My hope is that this issue feels less like a lecture and more like a conversation with a trusted friend. In fact, this is why I turned to Ashantis Jones (my friend aforementioned personal trainer) and Eleni Levine of Body Kind Nutrition, a meal prep program + community that supports people with gentle nutrition from a weight-inclusive approach, for a candid (video!) conversation full of stories, insights, and resources that honor the fact that bodies are not one-size-fits-all—and our care for them shouldn’t be either. Want to learn more? You can redeem one free month here!).
If at any point you need to pause, take a breath, or step away, please do so. Your well-being always comes first.
Thank you for trusting me to hold space for these conversations and for being here as we explore the hard stuff together.
With care,
L’Oreal
Related Reading:
- of
5 Fitness Resolutions That Have Nothing to Do With Weight Loss by
ofYes, We Need to Talk About Wicked Bodies by
of
Upcoming Events
Feb. 4: Unlock Your Cosmic Career Potential: A Career Astrology Workshop with Alice Hu. In this interactive session, Alice Hu, founder of Woo Woo Company, will help you decode your birth chart to uncover career insights that align with your unique strengths and purpose. Whether you're navigating a career pivot, looking to rediscover your passion, or simply curious about how astrology can support your professional growth, this workshop is designed to inspire and empower.
While it's free to register, we will be collecting donations for Mama Glow Foundation's Disaster Relief Doula Support to help provide pro bono doula services to families affected by the LA wildfires. To learn more or donate directly, please visit mamaglowfoundation.org.
What I’m Reading
Why It’s Community Above All Else for Me (ElectricLit)
The Significance Of Justice Ketanji Brown Jackson's Cowrie Shells Worn At The 2025 Inauguration (Essence)
Shifting How We Think About Career Pauses and Motherhood (The Cut)
My Latest Obsession
To know me is to know that I looove me some Michelle Buteau. After seeing her in the Netflix movie, Always Be My Maybe, I was immediately intrigued and thought to myself who is this hilarious, beautiful freckled plus-sized Black woman? And then Jeff and I binged Survival of the Thickest. After which, I listened to the audiobook of the same name and thought hmm, maybe I could give standup comedy a try? Then I watched her comedy special and binged The First Wives Club (so sad it was short-lived).
Recently, I attended her virtual author chat with the Illinois Library Association and left feeling even more inspired, so naturally I had to watch her latest comedy special, Michelle Buteau: A Buteau-ful Mind at Radion City Music Hall. As Jeff will tell you, I have a great disdain for most heterosexual male comedians (except Josh Johnson), so I’m all for the Black girls doing it for themselves
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Love your authentic and honest sharing! Re doctor recommendations, I just started working with Shelby Mitchell, a Black midwife at North Shore Associates OBGYN in Wilmette, she seems really great and so does the practice so it may be worth checking them out!
Love you, friend. Thank you for sharing so openly about this. You are amazing and I so admire the way you deeply tune in and listen to your gut even when it isn’t easy!