the moms are not alright

In the words of Mariah Carey, "I'm doing the best I can with what I got!"

Wednesday Wisdom

“I am my best work — a series of road maps, reports, recipes, doodles, and prayers from the front lines.” ~ Audre Lorde

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Morning Musings

Payton Girls’ Night Out at Chick-fil-a

Just when I thought last Tuesday couldn’t get any more hectic, Wednesday came along and said, “hold my beer.” The battery in my key fob died for real, essentially locking me out of our car until I could replace it. At the appointment to finally get my permanent crowns after three weeks of waiting, they turned out to be the wrong shade. And, as I was driving home from midday yoga (the one thing that day that actually went right), my temporary crown fell out as I bit into a pesto chicken wrap sandwich. So back to the dentist’s office I went.

At this point, I was fighting back tears. I was recapping my morning from hell with my Black mom group chat and one of them—whom I was already planning to meet later that day for family storytime at the library—graciously offered to cook dinner for me and Violet. Spoiler: we never made it to storytime, but the time we spent together was even better. Our kids made blueberry muffins and watched Cars together while we got to enjoy some adult conversation. It was perfect and exactly the kind of support and love I needed at that moment.

The next morning I was able to pay it forward and grab breakfast for another mom friend who was also solo parenting last week while her husband was traveling. We’d both had separate breakdowns that morning trying to get our kids up and off to school. I joked that “the moms aren’t alright,” and that’s when she shared the recent The Daily episode, “The Parents Aren’t Alright.” No, no we are not. And, if we’re being honest, we haven’t been for a long time.

Granted, I’ve only been at this for three years as of yesterday, but three years of what the New York Times describes as “intensive parenting” can feel like a lifetime. The stress is so much that the United States Surgeon General Dr. Vivek Murthy issued an Advisory on the Mental Health and Well-Being of Parents:

“Over the last decade, parents have been consistently more likely to report experiencing high levels of stress compared to other adults. 33% of parents reporting high levels of stress in the past month compared to 20% of other adults. When stress is severe or prolonged, it can have a harmful effect on the mental health of parents and caregivers, which in turn also affects the well- being of the children they raise. Children of parents with mental health conditions may face heightened risks for symptoms of depression and anxiety and for earlier onset, recurrence, and prolonged functional impairment from mental health conditions.”

This generation of parents is probably saying, “no shit, Sherlock.” Previous generations of parents will probably call us soft and tell us to buck up. But parenting isn’t the same now as it was when we were growing up.

For starters, there’s the internet and social media. The economy is shit (I’m so glad you were able to buy your single-family home for $80,000, Barbara. Have you seen the cost of eggs these days?!). We are truly living in unprecedented times and are expected to be more involved in our children’s lives than ever before. It’s no longer enough to simply provide “a roof over your head and food on the table.” There are tutors. There’s therapy. There’s screen time…but not too much screen time. There’s Montessori. There’s baby-led weaning (a total scam, if you ask me). There’s Snoos. There are apps. Oh my God, are there apps. There are tests. There are extracurriculars. And then and then and then and then…

It’s enough to make you scream. And I’m not even going to hold you, sometimes I do. In the car. After dropoff.

Later that day, I was feeling overwhelmed and with about an hour to go until pickup, I decided to do a workout instead of continue on with my work. I turned on the TV, opened up the Peloton app and saw a 20-minute full-body Mental Health Awareness class with Robin Arzon. I hadn’t lifted weights in a LONG time, but the Universe was telling me this was the class to take. God was looking for ya girl because Robin, a mom of two, gave a special shoutout to the parents and caregivers in the Peloton community during class.

At the end, she played “Fight Song” and shared how fellow Peloton instructor Kirsten Ferguson had cried while working out to the song in another one of Robin’s classes and well, so did I. I didn’t finish the last five minutes of class, but damn did I feel better.

Afterward, I remembered my Apple Watch sending a notification reminding me if I did a 10-minute meditation on 10/10 (World Mental Health Day). So you know I had to do a 10-minute gratitude meditation with my favorite Peloton instructor, Chelsea Jackson Roberts. I positioned myself on my mat in a reclined butterfly position and let Chelsea’s soothing voice wash over me with this mantra: “I’m grateful for this time. I’m grateful for what I’ve learned.”

I’m not going to lie to you and pretend all of my stress and overwhelm from the week washed away after those 30 minutes, but I did feel less frantic at pickup and I even joined Violet and her friends in a rousing rendition of “10 Little Monkeys Jumping On the Bed.” And then we had a girls’ night out at Chick-fil-a because I’d given up on cooking for the week after Tuesday’s debacle.

And you know what? She didn’t care that I hadn’t prepared some Pinterest-worthy organic dinner and neither did I. A year ago (aka pre-Zoloft), that would’ve been a different story. A year ago, I would have panicked at the mere mention of solo parenting for four days (I mean, to be fair, I did a minuscule amount of panicking, but I knew I was capable).

Last week also solidified for me an idea I’ve had for quite some time for a special project I’m working on. I can’t wait to share more in the coming weeks.

But in the meantime, I’m reflecting on how last week was also a necessary reminder that you really do have to apply your own oxygen mask first and pour into yourself before everyone else around you. Like Forever FLOTUS Michelle Obama once said, you have to put yourself at the top of your to-do list. This is about more than self-care, y’all, this is survival. Your mental health and well-being depends on it. Be good to yourself. This world needs you. You need you. 💜

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What I’m Reading

• Ashley Reese Has a Bad Brain (Byline)

• The Beauty and Audacity of Black Detroit (Electric Lit)

• The Creator of Angel Numbers Regrets It (The Cut)

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