Black women deserve better 🖤
Dr. Antoinette "Bonnie" Candia-Bailey should still be here
#WednesdayWisdom
“It’s okay to pivot, reroute yourself, and change course and directions. Not every path we explore is for us, and not every right path for us is permanent.” ~ Lalah Delia
Editor’s Note: Today’s newsletter contains mentions of suicide and intrusive thoughts. Please read with care.
Morning Musings
There’s never been an *easy* time to be a Black woman in America and the last couple of weeks have been especially brutal. Following the resignation of Harvard’s first Black president Claudine Gay earlier this month, many Black women (myself included) were stunned to learn about the suicide of Dr. Antoinette “Bonnie” Candia-Bailey, vice president of student affairs at Lincoln University of Missouri, an HBCU in Jefferson City.
She had previously claimed the university’s president, John Moseley, had “caused her mental harm while she was suffering from depression and anxiety,” according to news reports.
It is hard to look at Dr. Candia-Bailey’s picture—knowing there was so much pain and turmoil behind her smile. It’s also hard because I know intimately what it’s like to publicly mask said pain and turmoil while suffering silently. Indeed, it’s what Black women have done since the beginning of time.
Last summer, after a particularly mentally and emotionally taxing day at work, I had what I would later learn was an intrusive thought, which are often triggered by stress and anxiety. And let’s just say I was feeling a lot of stress and anxiety during that time.
I was getting ready for daycare pickup when I had the thought of, “What if I just keep…going? What if I just keep driving?” I had no idea where I was going I just knew I needed to escape. The weight of trying to succeed in a toxic work environment; prepare for the launch of my first book and raise a tiny human was starting to crash down on me. My mind immediately went through the logistics…in the worst case scenario the daycare would call Jeff to come pick up the baby, but they would be okay. They would manage just fine (maybe even better?) without me.
For the record, I had no real intention of following through of any of this, but the thoughts did cross my mind. And then they became debilitating. I had my keys in hand ready to go out the door, but I dropped to my knees wailing on the kitchen floor, unable to stop crying. When did everything become so…heavy?
I’m not sure how long I was down there, but eventually I pulled myself together, got in the car, picked up Violet on time (lest we pay late fees!) and arrived safely back home.
I’ve alluded to the burnout I felt last year, but haven’t gone into extreme detail. When my therapist mentioned she was starting to notice depressive symptoms, such as fatigue, irritability and anhedonia, the inability to experience joy or pleasure, I knew that was my cue to leave my job. Like Candia-Bailey, I also looked into medical leave, but eventually I decided to leave my role together.
I didn’t know it at the time, but I can look back and confidently say leaving my role in full-time media saved my life, or at the very least, my mental health. That’s not to say freelancing has been without its struggles (hello, Target meltdown), but I get to choose my hard and there is power and peace in that.
I may not be in control (because control, much like perfection, is an allusion), but I am in charge. Every day when I choose my peace and sanity, I’m reclaiming my power. I’m showing myself, my peers and, perhaps most importantly, my daughter a different, softer way of being.
These jobs will take and take and take some more. And if you’re a Black woman? The limit does not exist. I mean, one needs to look no further than my glass cliff story to see the pattern. So it’s up to us to say no, to push back, to demand more. I say this in full recognition that sadly, it’s not often safe (psychologically or otherwise) for Black women to do those things. Yet our lives and livelihoods depend on it.
My Twitter friend and fellow writer Lenora Houseworth said it best:
Take care of yourself and each other, friends. We all we got.
Check Out the New SWFP Merch
You asked, and I listened! I’ve recently updated the store to include shirts, hoodies and sweatshirts. I can’t wait to see y’all rocking your merch, please me sure to tag me (@LTintheCity) when you do. 💜
Upcoming Events
Jan. 25: Yoga for Fertility series with Pulling Down the Moon
Jan. 27: Community Care Workshop: Creating & Setting Your Intentions for the New Year with Sista Afya
Jan. 31: New Moms Nest with Nia’s Nest
Feb. 25: Book Club with The Groove Chicago
My Latest Yahoo Column
Dear L’Oreal: Is it ever OK to put your kid on a leash? What if you’re traveling, or have a toddler who is prone to bolt off?
Having attended Catholic school my entire academic career, I became quite familiar with the Biblical saying “Judge not lest ye be judged.” However, it wasn’t until I became a mom that I took this phrase to heart. While I personally don’t use a leash for my daughter and I don’t plan to, I can understand why some parents choose to, especially now that I’m in my #ToddlerMom era. Have you ever chased after a 2-year-old who just did something they weren’t supposed to do? Those tiny humans are fast!
Links I Love: Stanley Cup Edition
Because I love all things pop culture, I’ve been enthralled with the Stanley cup craze and I have a lot of thoughts. My dream story to write right now would be called Why (Almost) Every White Suburban Mom You Know Has a Stanley Cup and dive into the pseudo status symbol angle of it, but…this mom is short on time following several sick days last week, so these articles will have to do for now:
The Stanley craze: How a reusable cup became the latest symbol of overconsumption (The 19th)
A theory regarding those Stanley cups (
)no, calling out hyperconsumption is not sexist (
)
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Thank You
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Thank you for your transparency! You are not alone and many will be encouraged by your message :-) I have learned I can't afford to entertain those dark thoughts because I will certainly then act on them. His grace.
Thank you so much for sharing <3 sending all the love