This month, we’re kicking of the #SoftGirlSummer series with Oludara Adeeyo, a mental health therapist and author of Self-Care for Black Women and Affirmations for Black Women: A Journal.
Earlier this year, I interviewed Oludara for my article on Fortune about what it means to be a Soft Black Girl. If you’re curious about how to incorporate more self-care in your life, then this conversation is for you.
Buy Oludara’s books:
Follow her on social media:
Transcript:
[0:00] Music.
Introduction to the LT in the City Podcast
[0:06] Hello, and welcome to the LT in the City podcast, your monthly dose of motivation, inspiration, and more.
I'm your host, L'Oreal Thompson-Payton. On this show, we're all about leaving perfection at the door and showing up as our full, authentic selves.
You'll hear from me, along with some special guests about everything from life and love to work and wellness.
So get cozy, because we're gonna get into it.
Hi, everyone, and welcome back to another episode of the LT in the City podcast.
I am so excited for you to hear from today's guest, Oludara Adeeyo.
She's a mental health therapist and author of Self-Care for Black Women and Affirmations for Black Women, a journal.
She's passionate about helping people, especially black women, improve their overall wellness.
Before becoming a licensed clinical social worker, she worked as a writer and an editor at Cosmopolitan, XXL, and she also lives in Los Angeles, California.
She may very well be Bad Bunny's biggest fan. We talk today about everything from self-care and facials to body image and joy and all of these things that come together to manifest into the soft light.
And this summer we're talking about living the soft girl summer.
And so I'm really excited for you to listen to this conversation.
Stay tuned for more information about where you can buy her books and where you can follow her online.
But for now, let's get into it.
[1:25] Welcome, welcome to the podcast. I'm so happy to have you here today.
Thank you for having me.
Yes, always, always a treat. Always a pleasure to get to connect with you and see your face and talk with you about my favorite topic, of course, is always self-care, Black women, and everything that comes along with that.
And refresh my memory, I think you're recently off of a social media hiatus. Is that correct?
Oludara Adeeyo's Social Media Hiatus and Tips for Managing Social Media Envy
[1:49] Yes, I am back on social media. I'm back on TikTok.
Kinda back on Instagram. Tiptoeing around Twitter.
Telling around Twitter is a great way to describe the hot mess that it is these days.
Is this something you do often? Like, what was it like and what did you learn in the process?
So I regularly take social media breaks, but when it comes to taking a month long break of creating, that's what this break was. It was like a break from thinking about what I could create.
I started it last year because last year in May, I was feeling like overwhelmed And I was just like, I need to take a break and I need to not.
[2:35] Create content. And I did it and it was awesome. And when I came back, I felt like my brain was fresh. I came up with ideas. I came up with basically the Bad Bunny Bonnet Chronicles, which catapulted my TikTok. But it just made me, I love a good rebrand. I love a good stay low.
[2:57] Focus on yourself and then come up, pop back up. Maybe it's the Aquarius in me.
But the focus of this was that, you know, I wasn't going to create content.
I was still looking at TikTok.
I was still kind of in the know of what was going on, but I wasn't like checking Twitter every day.
I definitely wasn't on Instagram answering DMs more. I wasn't responding to DMs and TikTok.
And like, you know, I just was kind of like seeing what was being posted and then I would like get off.
Um, I would even limit how much I was using or scrolling. And it was what my brain needed because I think as creators, like, you know, like you are like, I think as creators, sometimes we just get so like burnt out, just so much consumption.
Cause I think as a creator, you're a creator and you're a consumer.
Yes. And if you're just a consumer, then it's just like, you don't really have to think much, but I mean, but you should be thinking about what you are consuming, but you don't have to think much about, you don't have to create much.
And you know, when you're creating stuff, it like takes up so much emotional and mental energy. And so during the break, I was just like, yeah, I don't, I don't want to be influenced by anyone else. If I have something to create, I don't want to take in anyone else's ideas. I don't, I don't even want to like think about, oh, I could do this trend this way. Like I was just like, just enjoying what I was consuming. So yeah, it was great. And then when I came back, I mean, I'm back, but I'm also like, I'm not fully back.
[4:27] I'm not fully back in the sense of like, oh, I want to create content all the time.
[4:32] I think I'm like tiptoeing back into being back because I just was, I was just tired. I'm just tired.
It's a lot. And I feel like TikTok, especially because I'm more of a lurker on TikTok.
I just watch what everyone else is doing and laugh and, you know, like save and share videos.
But I don't post any because video intimidates the hell out of me, first and foremost.
And then beanie, all the editing that goes into it, like that is real work.
And I admire those who do it, but I don't have the time or the patience to learn as I admire. Yeah.
I mean, creating a 30-second TikTok could literally take like four hours.
Like, yeah, it's definitely there have been TikToks where I like, you know, I'm like, I'm like, oh my God, I've been working on this like for six hours all day. Like, holy crap.
Like, oh my God. I, you know, so it is a lot of work, but I, but I enjoy video.
I think out of all the formats, mediums, I enjoy video.
[5:30] Um, I enjoy TikTok. I enjoy getting just to like be silly and fun and yeah, it's tough.
But Twitter, I mean, I came back to Twitter and I was just like, what is this mess?
Everyone always seems angry. We're always having the same conversations about bonnets and men versus women and 50-50. I'm like, what is, oh my gosh, what is going on?
Do you remember when Twitter was like, I think it was a media cesspool because it was like all the writers and editors were on there, but it was like cool because it was like, everyone was smart and brilliant and like writing such great stuff.
And now it's just, oh. They just let anybody in, like it's. Yeah, just let anybody in.
People believe all the misinformation that's on there.
Yeah, I just it's not the Twitter we knew in like 2000. I know. Is it sad?
Because it had those are the good old days in something I've been grappling with.
I feel like as a constant throughout my entire adult life. I mean, Facebook came out when I was in two when I was a college freshman.
So what was that, 2004? And then when I joined Twitter in 2010 and in recent years as a journalist, as an author, as.
[6:44] I don't think of myself as an influencer, but you could probably put me in that like micro-influencer space to see what everyone else is doing, all the book deals that they're getting, all of the followers that they have, social media envy is a real thing.
So I'm curious from your personal perspective, as well as your professional perspective, as a mental health therapist, how do you navigate that? And what are some tips for the rest of us to try to manage that as well?
[7:10] So that's real and that's why I regularly take breaks. So when I was transitioning from journalism to deciding to do social work and I couldn't figure out what I wanted to do with my life, I got off of social media completely.
[7:24] Uh to the point people were like are you okay i mean like one yes i am i'm just living my life but also no i'm transitioning out of another phase of my life that i thought was my whole life i thought i was going to be a new york city magazine editor blah blah blah and then having to see you know your classmates and colleagues just get just do all the things live their best lives live their best lives you know have kids get married buy home you know travel do all these really fun things that I couldn't do because I was like broke and didn't know what to do with my life.
And I just think like not looking at that stuff is very beneficial to you because you need to listen to yourself and listen to your own path. If you're constantly consuming other people's lives, you're like, oh, I need to do that. Oh, I need to do that. But you're not listening to what you actually need to do. And then when you do something that someone else is doing, it's not going to look how you think it will look. But so how to deal with that one, take those breaks. Also, I think follow people who may not make you feel envious.
[8:30] You can be inspired, but you know, if you're struggling with getting pregnant, maybe following a bunch of like family and couple accounts and baby accounts may not be the best thing for you. I had to mute so many people that I even knew in real life, like coworkers, friends, I was like, mute, mute, mute, mute.
I've never seen this. Good for you. I'm happy for you. And I'm trying to protect my peace.
Exactly. And it's like, not personal to like, mute friends, family members, people, you know, on social media, because it's just like, it's the internet and you don't want to constantly consume content that's going to make you feel bad about yourself.
So I have definitely gone the route of muting people who I was like.
[9:19] Look at them living their best life. You know, like, I wish, I wish I was doing that for you, right? But I think feeling jealous and having a bit of envy is actually okay because I think it kind of just tells you what about yourself, like what you want, what you desire, where you wish you were. So, and then it can sometimes motivate you to work towards those things.
Yes. But yeah, I'm team mute. I'm team put a limit on how much social media you intake.
I'm like, I'm a conscious social media user. So, you know, don't share what you're not willing.
The Negative Impact of Social Media and Comparison
[10:03] To have people talk shit about, you know, because people will run with things on the internet that if you haven't processed something, and then you're just running to the internet first to to share it, you're leaving yourself vulnerable.
And that can impact how you are processing whatever you're going through.
And that can be very negative and can impact you even worse.
[10:27] So take breaks, mute people, be aware of who you're following and also aware of what you're sharing.
I love what you said about jealousy being a motivator and that it's not all bad, right?
And I do think that's like, there's so many feelings and emotions that get ascribed these like negative associations.
But when you look at it itself, it's not inherently bad or good.
It's kind of like what we make of it.
Cause I think very vividly back to, there was an event, I think it was like 2016 or 2017.
[10:58] At this bookstore here in Chicago. And I went to go see Lovey and Samantha Irby.
And instead of feeling like, I was inspired because they're incredible.
And it was also like, oh my gosh, here are these Chicago bloggers turned authors that are living their best lives have a packed launch room, you know, like for their book launches and everything.
And I remember writing home and being so sad and so jealous.
And that was actually the impetus for me to start therapy because I got home and ironically, I was wearing my Wonder Woman pajamas, but I was like crying in the bathroom mirror because I, at the time, it seemed so far out of reach.
Like what that evening illuminated for me is that I really do want to become an author.
I want to have that same experience. I want to be on that same stage.
And I need to do the work that is required to do that. And I need to stop, cause it was a spiral that happened that night when I got a phone call and I didn't know, I didn't have the toolkit that I have now to pull myself out.
But that did light a fire under me for two things, like therapy and also like going full speed toward my author dreams. so you can channel your jealousy toward good things.
[12:05] Absolutely. And that's viral. Relatable. Relatable. I mean, my books have been very successful. They, you know, I've sold a lot of copies. I'm on copies.
Like, a lot of copies. Them royalty checks are nice. Ayy, yes. I'd be glad to see it. whoops, pay.
And so I think in comparison, yeah, I've definitely like looked at like Lovie and I was like, oh, I would love to be a New York Times bestseller.
And- Who among us? You know, it does not.
I was like measuring my success by that. But you know, thankfully, thankful for therapy and just like spaces and friends and family just remind you that like, what do you mean?
Like- You are that bitch. You're still successful and we got to stop comparing someone else's success to your success because that's relative, it's objective, it can look different.
And yeah, there was a moment where someone had shared how many books they sold, someone I follow, and she sold like 10,000 copies.
[13:18] I think that's incredible. So 10,000 copies of your book.
And then I remember I looked at how many books I sold and I'll be honest, I've sold about 45,000 copies. Oh my gosh. Yeah.
And I think in combination with like the second book, I would say I'll say self-care for black women has sold over, we're probably going to be 50,000 copies by the end of the month.
But that's huge. Yeah. Right. Congratulations. That's amazing.
Let's, let's not breeze through that. You know, like I want to pause and celebrate and just like stand in your shine, girl, come on, like you did that. That's freaking amazing. Yes, I was just so I'm not I'm not.
I'm not shitting on the girl got sold 10,000 copies. I think that's amazing.
I think she's just absolutely celebrate that.
But it put me in perspective, right? It put me in perspective to just think like, no people who are selling more than you are selling less than you. There will people just be different areas of their own success and their own journey.
And so seeing that, and then looking back at my numbers, I was like, Oh, I've sold a lot of books.
[14:26] This is actually a really big deal. And, you know, I tell my friends and they're like, Oh my God, you know, like I just did.
But also my therapist is also, she would always be like.
You, I know you probably want to like have you have this big idea of what like your book selling should look like, like, should be already in a motion picture, like, like just these big ideas, right. And I think big ideas are great. But I think it's important to be grounded also in the reality and also enjoy and celebrate what's going on in this moment. And, you know, not under appreciate what's going on. So I've had to do that. And I think that's been very helpful. Just like my mental health. But yeah, Yeah, and I had to check myself earlier this week.
Coping with Anxiety and Overcoming Spirals
[15:12] It's always the scroll right before I go to bed in the bathroom, right?
And so knowing this, I should not do it, and yet.
10.59 p.m., I'm like, this author has an event at this bookstore, and this author said yes to them, but she said no to me, and like questioning myself, looking at other people's blurbs, and other placements that they get, and starting to spiral, and I have, dear listeners, you cannot see this, but I have a Breathe Deeply aromatherapy spray here that I lovingly called my anxiety spray, which fun fact, you're not supposed to spray directly on your face.
My therapist told me that after the fact and then laughed at me.
That's funny. Very much like that.
[15:51] Oh, she said to use it. And I was like, okay.
She was like, wait, are you spraying it on your face?
And I was like, yeah.
She's like, just around you, like get the, anyway. So I'm curious, what's in your anxiety toolkit or your spiral toolkit that can maybe be helpful for people listening as well.
Mm, okay.
What's been helpful for me? So I love a good playlist and I love Spotify.
So lately I've been listening to this playlist It's called flute meditation.
[16:24] And it's just, it's calming. I love calming music.
I love listening to the high frequency music. I don't know what it's, I forget what they're called, but it's like meditation music.
There's just something calming about it. But right now the flute meditation playlist is just something, it's like different flutes and sometimes they're soft and they're high.
I don't know, it just kind of like lets me not, helps me get out of my mind.
And something that I regularly do to help me with my own anxiety is I re-watch shows.
Those are coming.
Like, I was watching Psych and now I'm watching Monk.
And it was cool to go back and watch shows I watched before and that I haven't really remembered and remember why I love them.
And I normally would be doing exercising and journaling. Those are things that have always been in my arsenal, but I haven't tapped into them lately, which I'm working on changing that.
But sometimes with several things that you use to help, sometimes you fluctuate and you're in and out of them.
Therapy is definitely one.
I've also like, oh, I get facials every month.
[17:41] That explains the glow. Cause listen, y'all can't see this, but when I tell you our girl is out here glowing. Beautiful.
Beautiful. Um, that definitely...
It was a thing because I think skincare is also self-care for me and I had over the last year I've been getting facials every year at a place called Face House here in LA.
They're like the dry bar facials. It's like you go in and you go for your hour and then you're out.
I had been struggling with hormonal acne and at the time I had an insurance that would not let me see a dermatologist.
Would not let you be great.
Journey to Better Skin with Estheticians
[18:25] So, but I love estheticians because to me, they're like skin consultants.
And so it was great to like go through the journey with someone of finding the right moisturizer, finding the right exfoliate, finding all these things that were going to work for my skin.
And essentially that's what the journey has been. Like I went from like having really bad hyperpigmentation and like really bad congested skin to now it's like less congested. It's a little bit more even and I understand my skin more. I pay attention to my skin more. And so I do that every month actually. And it's really great. And I've built a relationship with the esthetician because it's like, yeah, you build a relationship. You see someone every year, every month. It's fun.
[19:09] And treating yourself. I love that. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, it's expensive. Okay. So let's just say it's a pretty penny, But I look at it as an investment because it's an investment in my mental health because I was feeling bad about myself and about my skin. And because I took the time and effort to take care of my skin and get to know my skin, yeah, it's been beneficial. And it's a great segue into the theme for this summer on the podcast is Soft Girl Summer. And you and I talked earlier this year in my piece for Fortune about what it means to be a soft Black girl. So I want to revisit that that conversation and also if there's anything new since then that you'd like to add about what the soft life means to you because I think at one point it got a bad rep, right?
People were equating it with like black girl luxury and like, but also like, as you said, that's a form of self-care and we deserve nice things. Okay, everybody listening.
And when I did some research into it, I found that, you know, this trend had started with Nigerian influencers because black women birth everything.
It got co-opted as trends are want to do.
And I think we kind of like lost the way, but we're getting back.
And I see you, I see other friends and people that we know like really embracing this soft life.
So what does it mean to you? And how are you living a soft girl summer this summer?
Ooh, how am I living a soft girl summer? We need shirts, we need shirts.
[20:39] Well, I think tangibly, I'm definitely traveling more this summer.
Got some summer trips planned to Mexico, Miami, to visit friends who live in those areas.
I'm definitely...
[20:51] More in tune with myself. So I think when we first talked about soft girl life, I was in the job that was literally like horrible.
That was sucking the life out of you, actually. The opposite of soft life. Okay.
And so I was on the journey to like get out of that job. So now I'm out of that job and now I'm in recovery. Yeah. Yes, yes.
Woo, thank you Lord. Won't he do it?
[21:16] Won't he? I'm gonna be like, oh my gosh, praise him. Um, so that was part of like my soft girl journey to like get out of that job specifically because it was literally ruining my mental health. So I got out of that job and now I'm in the recovery of like the burnout and the depression that was created by that job. So a lot of it looks like just doing what I want to do. Also being a little bit more social, I've learned about myself that While I am an introvert and I like to kind of just like keep to myself, I do value being social and it does make me feel good to like go out to dinner with people, you know, link up with people. So I am definitely making an effort this summer to be outside. Catch you outside. Yes, be outside, but then also be back inside to go to bed. I forget, that needs to be the shirt when the And the front is like heading outside and then back inside.
Yes, back inside. So I'm definitely doing that.
I'm also embracing my summer body, which means whatever my body looks like.
I wasn't on any like, particular regimen to quote unquote, unbig my back, which I hate that saying.
[22:30] I have never heard that. Who came up with this? Oh my gosh, you're not on TikTok.
I'm on a very specific, it's like Beyonce and baby TikTok. That's where I live.
There was a trend for a while where people were talking about unbigging their backs.
Oh, no. To get, to basically to get your summer body. I mean, the internet is so fat phobic.
Yeah. That's a whole other thing. But so, yeah, you know, like I bought clothes that fit me right.
You know, yeah, I've gained some weight because I was stressed out and, you know, not taking the best care of myself.
But now that I'm trying to take care of myself, that also includes embracing whatever body shape I am now.
I still love myself. And so that's been fun, like buying new clothes and deciding my travel outfits and, you know, getting new bathing suits and stuff like that. So that's been fun.
So, yeah, a lot of travel, a lot of shopping, it's a lot of money spent.
[23:23] Hold on. And it will come back to us. It will come back to us.
Abundance, manifestation.
Money always flows through things. Exactly, easily, easily and freely.
I love to hear what you said about shopping because as I've written in my newsletter a number of times now, I'm on this self-love journey with my pandemic postpartum body situation over here.
And, you know, seeing numbers that I've never seen before and knowing that I shouldn't care or feeling like I shouldn't care.
And I am a black woman in America who has been subjected to a lot of influences, you know, at a very, since I was, you know, really young.
And my therapist has been very helpful in that as well with like doing away with that, like binary thinking of like good or bad or like should and this and all of that stuff.
And so part of the healing process, the recovery for me, I guess, tape has also stressed new mom, new author, all of these things.
And also, like, I went shopping this weekend at Macy's for the wedding that I had that same day on Saturday, like after I got my nails done. So it was a little, it was a little chaotic on my part.
And these dresses that I thought I was like, oh, I look good.
So finding clothes that make me feel good is a form of self-care.
Yeah. Not feeling guilty about spending the money on quality.
[24:42] Because we know these like fast fashion things aren't all like doesn't do the body good or midsize.
I forget what I'm supposed to be. My friend told me like TikTok, because I did again, I'm not on fashion talk.
So I didn't know that midsize was a thing.
But I found influencers like there was a mom I follow who has a similar I think she called like apron belly or something like a lot of C-section moms have and I was like, oh, my gosh, she looks like me and she's gorgeous.
Embracing Our Bodies and Choosing to Live Our Best Lives
[25:05] Oh, what is she wearing? OK, let me go order that. And like I felt like a million bucks in this one dress.
And that's important to like feel good about yourself and your body and treat yourself to nice things to feel good about it in a world that I think doesn't want Black women to have nice things.
So. Absolutely. Does not want us to have nice things.
And to be soft as well.
And to be soft and to love ourselves. Like, the world wants us to like hate ourselves because they hate us. But like.
Well, that's a whole word. Because it's action and like me, like. Yeah.
I'm gonna love myself no matter what I look like. Okay, it doesn't matter.
Yeah, there's been a lot of that for me.
Embracing where I am, and because I'm like you, I'm seeing numbers I have never seen.
[25:50] In my life on the scale. And I'm like, oh, on the scale of my pants, my dress, like everything.
And I'm like, on one hand, I'm like, oh, my gosh, well, yes, I'm going to work towards just, you know, I'm not afraid to say I'm going to try to drop some weight. But also, I just want to be health. Health is the focus. Yes. The weight loss comes, it comes, but like health is the focus.
And just accepting that and like not trying to have it define my worth. That's what I've been been working through and just still choosing to live my best life despite whatever the scale says, whatever the dress size says.
[26:24] Yeah, which I feel bad that this podcast and y'all can't see how fabulous Dara looks right now.
In your robe, that looks very soft. So it's just very fitting for the conversation.
Like so plush and so cozy. You look cozy.
It's amazing. What else was I gonna, I totally just lost track of thought, but that's okay.
Yes, we were talking at the start of Ambition, and I feel like we're very similar in that realm as former and still for me, journalists, as authors, as black women in particular.
So what impact has Ambition had on your mental health?
And how do we, I'm asking for me, not let it get to the best of us?
Oh, child, how do we not let it get the best of us?
So, you know, I'm Nigerian, so like Nigerians are naturally ambitious, which I feel like is trauma, but you know, we won't go there.
Or we can if you want. It's up to you. Yes. I mean, just, I've never, I mean, the same Nigerians have as Nigerian, Nigerian no carry last or.
We know carry last. That saying it, that saying is just very like, it's opposed to.
Nigerian Work Ethic & Black Women's Ambition
[27:39] We're just always working. We're just always, Naija, yes, I just want to make sure I get it right. Naija knows they carry last. And it's like, I've never met a Nigerian who wasn't a hard worker, who wasn't like working themselves to the bone, who wasn't defining their worth by by their work.
So that's kind of like what's been instilled in me. And also I grew up as a gifted child, meaning I was just reading and writing faster.
And I was just always getting good grades. I was always doing the sports.
I was balancing everything with grace.
Although on the inside, probably a lot of turmoil. When I look back at it, you know, I was very stressed.
But at the time it's like, oh my gosh, I got to do all these things.
I got to make sure I get into a good college. I got to do this, this, this.
[28:26] Which I feel like is not just because I'm Nigerian. It's something a lot of black women can relate to.
It's just like, we have to do all these things. Twice as hard, half as much.
Twice as hard, just to get half as much.
And then also, you know that joke of how like, when a black woman goes through heartbreak, she goes against another degree.
Are you familiar with that joke? I did see that, yes. And it's so funny to me because it's like, yes, I know so many black women with degrees, whether it's just one or two or three, Like I know so many black women who just go get degrees cause yeah, that's what they want to do.
So yeah, ambition for me is like for a very long time it was like my identity was like, I'll have to be the best.
And that's like, it took a toll on my mental health and also kept me longer in the journalism industry as a magazine editor, because I was convinced that I had to stay at this job that was ruining my mental health wasn't paying me enough.
The Pressure of Identifying with Your Job
[29:27] Okay, cause they don't pay editors enough in that industry. Unless you're like the editor in chief or something.
I mean, and then the hours are like round the clock, okay?
[29:37] But I was just like, I am going to be an editor in chief. I am going to do this.
I am going to be a director or a manager, whatever.
I was just like, I was going to have like the big high power magazine, New York City job.
And then when I realized that trying to do that was killing me and I wasn't really like loving it, it took me a while to like admit that to myself and then take action to leave.
And then after I left, I had to shed my identity that was tied to my job, which I think is a very common thing for a lot of black women.
We tie our worth to our jobs because that's what society tells us.
You know, what we do is who we are, but that is not true.
I don't really believe that. I believe you can like.
Be professional and have your professional life and like, yeah, be gifted in it, find some purpose in it. But it's not what defines who you are, like how you treat people defines who you are, you know, the relationships you have in your life, you know, define who you are. So, so yeah, I would say for a very long time, my ambitions were driving me towards burnout. And what was other part? You had another part. How do I handle it? Yeah, ways to just like not let it get to that.
[30:57] Burnout point. How do we have healthy ambition? Like, or does such a thing exist? I think it's kind of like jealousy where it's not inherently bad or good. It just depends on what we do with it. Yeah. So how do we do it well? I would say like ambition is not all bad. I think it's great.
Like it can really motivate you to create a life you really love.
But, you know, it can also force you to just not be true to yourself and pursue things that aren't really aligned with you, but only you're only doing it because you think that's what you need to do to be successful. And so I feel like I personally, how I handle like being ambitious, I like to take breaks. I think that'll be a theme in this podcast. Breaks.
Yes. I love it.
Pursuing Ambitions Slowly and at One's Own Pace
[31:51] Take a break. Yes. I like to take breaks and just, and also take my time. I think I really, lately, I've really just embraced pursuing my ambitions slowly. I've really embraced pursuing my ambitions slowly. I think in the past, I've definitely pursued them with like the fear that they're going to get away and achieve them. So I've got to do it now, now, now.
For now, I'm of the mindset that like, I am going to get what I want.
I am going to achieve all the things I want to achieve, and I just need to...
[32:24] Work towards them as slowly as I want, or as quickly I feel like, right?
Sometimes you do feel motivated, and you're like, oh yeah, let me write this whole thing tonight, and that's fine.
But sometimes you're like, you know what, I need six months to think about a name of my company, and that is fine, because I'm not quite ready to deal with that.
But I'm now in a space where I fully believe that I can reach all my goals.
So I'm not going to make myself feel bad about how I'm pursuing them.
I'm going to pursue them at my own pace and just continue working towards them.
That's, yeah, I need to do. I need to do.
So much of what you said, because I too held a dream about being editor-in-chief.
And I feel like, honestly, the higher up I got on the masthead, the more I was like, this ain't it. because the women that I saw were miserable.
Okay. There was no, and I know that there's no such thing as work-life balance, but it was like not even anything close to it.
And they're not even writing. Like they're just, They're just managing.
They're in meetings all day. And I'm like, that's not what I want to do.
And I'm rethinking my own relationship with ambition now, you know, like being a mom and, you know, and there's just like the hours in the day, like 25 year old L'Oreal, like hustled with the best of them. I would like work my ass off.
I'm tired.
[33:53] I'm 35. I want to take a nap. And it's in the time and space is what I just, something that keeps popping up.
Like I want time and space to write meaningful quality stories.
And that time and space is not always afforded to people who work in media.
[34:09] Who work in digital media in particular, to black women who work in digital media.
Okay. So yeah, we're evaluating a lot of things over here.
Absolutely, absolutely. And you're so right. I feel like the higher you get up in an organization, a system, you see how it really operates, you're like, I don't really want to do this.
Mm-mm, no. Because it's like not enough money in the world. I'm like, no, it's just.
It's just not. And that's so interesting. That's like what, you know, a Tusa Rubinstein.
She used to be 17. I remember that's what she said like right before she like, or after she left 17.
She was just like, there was not enough millions of dollars they could offer me to do this anymore.
I always feel like that's so real. It's just like, yeah, money is great. We love it. It gives us the lives we want to create, but there's not enough money in this world to protect my sanity.
Yes, girl, because when it impacts the mental health, it's the physical health, your emotional health, spiritual, like, it's all impacted.
All, all of it.
Infusing Joy into Life and Embracing the Funny and the Joy
[35:16] Well, to end on a high note, because you are someone, I feel like, who really exudes joy and happiness. Like, your content is so inspiring, but it's also fun.
Like, you are definitely, I feel like you're the fun friend.
[35:31] And so I want to know, like, how do you infuse joy into your life?
Because it radiates off of you and I just, for people who are looking to do the same or want to incorporate more of the same into their own lives. Oh, that's a good question. I think I just don't take life serious. I mean, obviously, yes, I can be serious when I need to be serious.
It's like, that's a real shit that happens in life.
But I think I just realized that.
[36:00] We need levity with joy in life because, yeah, life is really hard and I've always just found that being funny and looking for the funny and finding the joy in life makes me feel better. It just makes me feel better.
I just, I don't know, I just, that's a really good question.
I think, I know it's making me laugh, it's just that I always think about, I've always just been called silly.
Like I'm just always been told I've been silly a lot, mostly my adult years, like just, cause I just love it.
I just feel like, especially with the internet and life, it's just like, yeah, life can really suck.
And I think maybe because I lost my mom almost 10, yeah, about 10 years ago.
And I think, you know, going through that grief and depression and then like breaking out of it and finding joy again.
I think I just witnessed my mom not really experience joy a lot.
And that's not to say she wasn't a happy person, but I think that a lot of the women older than us were forced into these lives that maybe they wouldn't have chosen for themselves and they were made to feel like they had to subscribe to a particular life.
And because now I just I've just made it a mission to, like, I'm not going to live like that.
[37:26] I'm going to live my life on my own will. And I think doing that, it has made me see that, yeah, I want to embrace the funny and the joy.
[37:37] Because it makes you happier and healthier.
And we could get into the mental health stuff or like the studies or whatever that say like, you know, happiness helps you live longer.
So it's just like, yeah, I just, oh, I just love joy.
And I think when you have been so long in things that make you.
Sad, so like, I've lost my mom, I was part of a cult. Yeah, I'm calling Hillsong a cult. Okay.
Not wrong. Okay. You know, have gone through religious trauma, you know, mom trauma, like workplace trauma. I think when you've just gone through so much trauma, that is so exhausting and dark. It's just like, I just want to embrace the fun and the joy, because I'm not trying to go back there and be sad and depressed and beat on myself and be hard on myself.
The world is hard enough.
Let's laugh.
[38:38] Yes. And you do it all so well and so fun and anytime you pop up on my feed, I just know that I'm in for, it's going to be a good time.
So thank you for sharing that joy and that light with the world.
I appreciate you. Thank you.
So you got to tell us, tell everyone where they can find you, where they can find your best-selling 45,000 copies of these amazing books.
Let us know. I will link obviously in the show notes. But just yeah, love for anything else you'd like to share, where they can find you and follow up on all the things.
So you can find me on TikTok, Instagram, and Twitter at Oludara Adeyoyo.
You can find my books almost anywhere, specifically, they're on Amazon, Barnes and Noble's, your favorite black-owned bookshop, most of them are carrying them.
And I encourage you to buy from them if they sell online.
Wonderful. Thank you so much for joining me this afternoon. I really appreciate it. Thank you.
Thank you so much for listening to the LT & the City podcast.
If you enjoyed this episode, I encourage you to share it with a friend and ask them to check it out too.
Resources and links from today's episode are available over on the show notes, and as always, you can find me on social media at L-T in the City.
Thanks again for tuning in.
[40:01] Music.
On being a Soft Black Girl