I want Keke Palmer's (postpartum) body
another lesson in self-love
#WednesdayWisdom
“Certain blessings and opportunities only manifest when you let go and flow.” ~ Lalah Delia
Morning Musings
Last week while mindlessly scrolling Instagram as one does, I stumbled upon Miss Keke Palmer’s glam Mother’s Day post and instantly felt a pang of jealousy.
Our girl has been looking GOODT since giving birth earlier this year, but for some reason this post on Mother’s Day of all days on a beach vacation sent me into a body shame spiral all over again, which then sent me into a guilt spiral for feeling ashamed about my body in the first place. Wash. Rinse. Repeat.
And yes, I know Keke is a celebrity with access to resources that I don’t have. I know this intellectually, and yet I spiral.
If you’ve been around here for a while, then you may recall last year’s musings around this time on the same beach vacation about learning to love—no, like…tolerate? appreciate?—my postpartum body.
I would love to stand before you and declare that I am 100% confident in this body, but that simply is not the case. I have my days, thanks to a cute selfie or especially cute outfit. And then I see a picture someone else takes of me (usually from a less flattering angle) and I wince. Is that really me? Is that how I really look?
The reality comes as a bit of a shock and, if I’m being honest, a disappointment. I used to be a varsity cheerleader, a competitive pole dancer, an avid Pelotoner. Most days I don’t recognize the body looking back at me in the mirror.
My therapist asked which version of myself am I comparing myself to. Sure, I frequently think about the 25-year-old girl with the long legs, strong abs and fierce biceps from my pole days. But more often than not, I’m comparing my present self to my newly postpartum body (we’re talking 3-4 weeks postpartum) and wondering how I got here.
To which she asked why I was comparing myself to a version that was burning 3,000 calories per day from exclusively breastfeeding while also having more time to workout because I was on maternity leave? And, ya know, I didn’t have a great answer for that.
And as for the guilt/shame spiral, I feel added pressure to accept and celebrate my body as is because feminism. Because I have a daughter. Because what kind of example am I setting if I shun my squishy belly while she happily slaps and shows off hers? I want so desperately to be better than “bounce back culture,” and it pains me to know I’m a victim of it as well.
Going forward, my therapist is encouraging me to set realistic and kind body goals. Instead of focusing on the result (near impossible for an Enneagram 3, I’ll tell you that!), she suggested I focus on the technique. So instead of saying “I want to lose X number of pounds by a certain time,” reframe the goal to say “I want to do strength training three times a week.”
As I’ve mentioned before, I’m also slowly but surely rebuilding my wardrobe as well to compliment the body I have now, which for me has meant hiring a professional to style me for important events (hello, book tour!) and following midsize fashion influencers on Instagram who have a similar body as mine.
And, as always, I’m learning to extend myself grace. It’s certainly a practice and I don’t always get it perfect, but that’s not the point. If you also happen to be a birthing person, I’d love to know what’s worked/working for you and helped you reframe your relationship with your body.
ICYMI
In my latest for Fortune, I wrote about the benefits (yes, the benefits) of being a working mom. What else would you add?
Upcoming Events
June 10: Daddy & Me Yoga Meetup. Our Mommy & Me Yoga Meetup last month was so fun, Nia and I have decided to host another one this month in honor of Father’s Day. Spread the word!
Links I Love
The Unique Ways Black Moms Experience Burnout and How to Cope (What to Expect) My fellow mom writer friend Terri Huggins Hart always gets it.
Why Are There So Many Asian American Women Named Connie? (New York Times) Warning: this one made me sob cry at my desk when I read it!
Quinta Brunson Is Dressed to Talk (InStyle) I mean, it’s Quinta, what’s not to love?
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Niece,
As always... Bravo to another great article! I, too, had to come to the realization, that I am no longer that "hot" 30, 40 or 50 year old, vivacious female. However, Thank God, that the "New Age" is the curvy, voluptuous Sistah (hats off to Lizzo) that we are Special no matter what. As long as you stay healthy, vibrant, spiritually and emotionally grounded...you are perfect as you are! Love you to the moon and back!
This was exactly what I needed to read <3 I'm really struggling with comparing myself to my newly postpartum body, and thinking (in my spiraling brain) that everyone else figured out how to "bounce back". I love the idea of renovating your wardrobe, since that's usually where my spiraling starts! I try to get outside every day, and that helps my mood a lot. Thank you for sharing!